I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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