a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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