A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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