ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
