he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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