Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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