i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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