I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
