just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
