Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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