my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
