I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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