you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
