This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
