and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
