remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
