At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
