I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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