just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
