One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It was confusing and full of hummus
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
