I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize