There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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