threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
