My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
