It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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