6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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