Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
