I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
