She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
