I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
