"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
