Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
