He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
