Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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