I skipped work to stalk him.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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