would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
