In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
