Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
