so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We are two peas in an std pod
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
