Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
