Someone shit on the floor
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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