i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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