Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
