I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
