im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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