this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
