I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
