I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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