I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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