I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
