Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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