life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wear drunk well.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
