I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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