He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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