You can't motorboat a personality
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
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