I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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