dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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