I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
